Hello everybody!
I'm Radhika Saxena, and I'm the girl without a future.
I know not what I want to do in life,but having had two years of science,I'm sure I don't want to do anything related to science! So what will I do then? OH MY GOD!! I'm REALLY A GIRL WITHOUT A FUTURE!!!!! *gasp*
I don't think so,neither do my friends,but my parents and brother sure do!
It all started in July. Eversince school reopened I hadn't attented a single period in class,mind you A SINGLE PERIOD..First we had the Carmel feast which I had to sing for,then the opening ceremony of the cultural week,then I had to write certificates for all the competitions,ONE WHOLE WEEK no studies,nothing and then RHYTMS!!! The Biggest competition by far! The bestest too!! ( forgive me for using words that may not exist or are incorrect,I hardly care at the moment. )
I'm not blaming the activities or myself,I love doing such things!! Esp. singing,what would I do without singing one day? *Struggles to Imagine*
Kahani mein twist?! Ji haan bilkul,the time has arrived *Drum roll* No one at home knew of all this,not even me singing for the mass! as if I'd told them,they just wouldn't have let me! They said no to all my extra curricular activites last year itself,esp. to singing. They must understand,God didn't give me a voice without a reason..!!
Anyway,yes so they didn't know and it used to kill me inside to be missing so many classes,felt so guilty,like some horrible crime I'd committed and no one to understand,console me..I used to cry,sooooo much! Then I went for Rhythms without telling anyone at home,I only know how I managaed it,they staybacks,pracs in school,sneaking my phone to the competition etc. etc. I'd come home be horribly tired,and usually go to bed. Mum got paranoid,started yelling.. "You fool,why aren't you studying? Do you want to fail?!" I'd look at her and tell her,I'll do it,I will,I always do. But she didn't believe me.
The competition was over,we won! I was relieved,no more lies,no more missing classes,no more crying,peace atlast!
But God had wayyy more for me in store.
My mum started spying on me! yeah,beat that! She went to school one day,without telling me,to meet my teachers and ask them how I'm fairing at school..she had never done this before,NEVER. My teacher told her that I'd been missing too many classes and that it'd be hard for me to cope up,I cried endlessly that day,I don't think I'd ever cried that much before..twas a horrible day. But I thank my teacher for one thing,she did not tell my mother about me haveing been to the competition. That really wouldn't have mattered,but I thank her nevertheless.
Then the terms,I slogged my ass off,I really did. Studied till late night and shit..
I studied so that I could do well and then ask my mother for permission for going to competitions. But no,God had to be overtly mean. My performance in the terms = horrible!!
Lowest ever in English,Maths,Swati Das was so dissapointed,I let everyone down..more than that,MYSELF.
I don't think I'll be able to dream anymore,set my goals high,be confident in anything. My self esteem has crippled. I feel bad,very bad.
As if to add to my grief,my mother said " Beta if you're going to continue like this,then forget engg. you won't even get through DU!"
Thanks Maw,you made my day. You weren't there to support me with things I like doing,ever..like EVER. When have you ever smiled and said,"Go for it beta,win the competition ALL THE BEST!"??!! WHEN?? Did you give a shoulder to cry on during the whole of July and August? Were you there? did you even know? You're just self cenetred.
But thats still okay,not an issue. DU doesn't give admission on the basis of your marks in the terms,the boards are all that matter.
Plus I have the ECA quota too,I can sing to save my life.
But then again,I will have competition with people like Suhani Jain,Sherry Mathews,Apoorva Gandhi,Atish Thukral,Pearl Sabharwal..!! and if I do get in,I don't want to be singing under any kind of pressure by the music soc people( which is mostly the case ) Man, what am I gonna do? will I make it,anywhere at all? WHAT WILL I DO??!!
All roads seem to have come to a dead end,I see nothing but darkness ahead of me.. I don't know where to go.. I can'tcry anymore,won't help,plus the tears just don't come,have dried up I guess!
My future seems so bleak,uncertain.
I have no future at all.
If I don't do well in the near future,I'm definately commiting suicide.
Yes its an option.
and Future competitions,One left,Bergin's I know I'm going,will have to lie again,no other option,not fun I know..but whatever.
So,now you all know why exactly you should never take up science if you're involved in some extra curricular activity in school and there's a scope for you to excel in it,and precisely the reason why I've been lamenting and am upset.
10 comments:
Commiting suicide?
U DARE not think about it.It is the biggest crime u can EVER do in ur life.
And I am not saying that marks donot matter but its nt everythin in life.U knw hw i hve scored and even though it does leave u with a low self esteem,its not the end of the world.Come to think of it,even in the worst situation if u reach a nt so gud college(which i am sure will nt happen)its not worth killing urself for or even thinking about urself as not gud enough.Don't look at life in such a one dimensional manner and then u will realise a lot of things.
As hard as it might be for u,i can assure u that ur mother wants nothin but the best for u.maybe parents don't realise sometimes what makes their child happy but it is no reason to doubt their intentions.She stopped u frm takin part in competitons because she wanted u to concentrate on ur studies which i am nt saying is right but just goes to show hw much she is concerned for u.
This post has disturbed me a lot.I hope you get over this misconception fast that u r nt good enough.
You know what?
I came here to write a long comment,based mostly on Akanksha's second para.Now I wont.'Coz she's written just what I wanted to say.
I hate to say this,but you're not understanding your mum's point of view.Try that and you'll know.
Issued in Public Interest :
This post was written by me when i was low,cranky,irritable and basically felt sucky. It does have some highly exaggerated bits.
@ Prer-who? and Aku :
I know,i've tried seeing things from my maw's point of view..I understand she's concerned,all i want is that she shouldn't be flaunting her concern now all of a sudden. I've always been involved in these kinda things,she knows of it,last year I went for 3 comps,took part in an AU concert,went for AU interviews,meets,pracs..so much,still I managed my studies perfectly well,because I was alowed to do what I pleased without much objection and/or hue and cry..Infact I topped in almost all the subjects the whole year..!! So why such an objection now? and I'm not even taking part in so many events this year,just two comps,I've abandoned AU till my boards get over,all so that I can study hard and score well.
Aku,I really don't care if I get into a good college or not,I'm only worried about getting into one!! I'm reallllly dobting that for some godforsaken reason i can't seem to point out.
There are times when I feel low and useless too!
There's a line above this box I'm writing in :
// Kill Radhika for having posted //
I could really do that, trust me.
If only that wouldnt have been a case of irony.
Imagine, I killed you because you talked of committing suicide!
Man, it could make headlines!!
No, on a more serious note (shit, I suck at consoling), forget the idea.
One, it's not at all easy.
Because God is really there.
And this world is his.
And we are supposed to stay here till he wants us to.
As bugging as this fact is, I've FINALLY come to terms with it. (Kind of..)
Two, this is just a passing phase, as Dish once told me, as I ws pondering over the same issue.
She said, everyone feels low at some point of time. ut one eventually gets over it.
And think, if you could ACTUALLY get over it, but killed yourself before you could?
That'd be horrible.
And anyway, on a very calculative scale, it's just about six months more.
You will get SOME college, obviously.
And then, life's gonna be all merry!!
So, relax, you'll getover it..
Wow, I am good at stuff like this ;)
Only if I could say this to myself everyday...
And hey, your temporary sucidal tenedecies gave you a very 'literally correct' post!
Kudos!
Lol,now that you have come to terns to it..tis my turn,its just the beggining for me.
Don't be sad m'love. You have four full days to get me. :) :P
Bharat is a lair!
You don't gime any bhao only,kaise dukhi na hoon?
Ur parents are stopping u frm participating this year because its THE yr which can make or break our future.
Thus,the concern is overflowing right nw!
Suhani Jain,Sherry Mathews,Apoorva Gandhi,Atish Thukral,Pearl Sabharwal..!!
who are these people?
They are singers!!
Good ones!
Fellow AU-ites!
Hope you know what AU is..if not,refer to the links on my blog..
AU,I love! :)
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